Feeling very frustrated today. I've been trying to find ways to constructively rid myself of the frustration, but it's come down to just writing - which is probably the best way anyway.
I'm my own worst enemy. I know this - have known it for years. If there's a bad decision to be made, you can pretty much bet on the fact that I'll make it. Then, when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, taken for granted and advantage of, I have nobody to blame but myself, which then just makes me more frustrated. It's a toxic cycle and I know it. My biggest problem is actually taking the steps to stop behaviors and habits, breaking the cycle. It's so easy to keep things as they are, even if they are unhealthy and not in your (my) best interest. Changing things for the positive, learning to not let people take advantage of me, take me for granted, live, eat and breathe healthier is tough. It's a lot of work - and to be honest, most days I'm not up for it.
I need to start practicing the word NO more often, then use it. Then not feel bad for using it. I need to surround myself with people who are good for me, absolutely want to be with me, want the best things for me and don't really want anything from me. One of the problems is that I'm a giver - always have been. I don't know how to not give - except to myself. I need to start giving myself more of what it good for me. I'm in bad habits with myself.
Ugh......back to it. I know this too shall pass, and brighter days will avail, but it's all just very tiring and gloomy right now.
So, I'm at that point in my life (again) that I kind of need to re-invent myself. Translated, that means it's time to get a "real" job again. I've been doing event planning and consulting and whatever other projects my business partner and I can manage to serve up. But he's now got a full-time job, another beautiful child, and a family - so our projects sometimes become (understandably) overwhelming for him to manage in addition to everything else. I believe we will continue to do a few staple projects (mainly the 48 Hour Film Project) together, but it's time for me to find something in addition to those. The problem is, I don't know what I want to do.
I do know, I feel a lot like this:
My background is in management, marketing, etc. but I don't really feel much into that either. I have a great education, and am pretty business savvy, but I often feel like an interview with me might go something like Lester Burnham's interview at Mr. Smiley's from American Beauty:
Once, when my daughter (Shelby) was around seven or eight, we went to First Night Atlanta - the big New Year's Eve party Atlanta hosts every year. We were in the "family" section part of the giant street party since they had huge blowup bouncy things, face painting and other stuff kids seem to enjoy. Well, needless to say, the place was packed with people. The lines for the jumpy things and face painting were extremely long. We walked from one attraction to another hoping to find shorter lines, so she might get to partake in some of the New Year's Eve excitement of the event I had been building up inside her for days. (Sometimes, kids would prefer to do absolutely nothing so events and outings take work - creating anticipation, mystery and the want to go.) Well, after walking around for about an hour, Shelby immediately halted, made a huge right-foot stomp to the ground, raised both hands and shouted, "I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FUN, RIGHT NOW!"
I knew just how she felt. I feel that way a lot. Often times, I think back about how things were going to be different when I grew up. I was going to do fun things - all the time! But, we all learn soon enough that most of the time, living isn't as fun as we once thought - or making a living isn't as fun, rather. When I went into the film industry, I thought that I was finally getting that job that was going to make earning a living fun. I do admit, the events, movies, meeting people are fun, but planning and managing events are often like herding cats. It gets exhausting. Finding sponsors (asking people and companies for money and free product) is exhausting and deflating because, more often than not, you get turned down, or rejected. Feeling rejected is not fun - even if it's "just business." It is, however, the most "fun" industry in which I've worked.
So, I guess I should close this for now. I wanted to write though because I kinda feel like I've lost my mojo and writing has always helped me get it back a little, probably because expressing myself helps me to get back on a track, old or new. I used to write often and always got great feedback. I loved writing funny stuff and hearing how much people enjoyed it. Maybe I'll start trying to do a bit more of that. Well, this was fun - and, I didn't even have to wait in any lines.
I spoke to my mom on Wednesday and found out more about the lung cancer. It's Stage 3BT4 (you can follow exactly what that is here). It's basically advanced lung cancer with tumors. Here's a breakdown of her specific type:
Definition of Stage 3B Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer
Stage 3B lung cancer is defined as a tumor of any size that has spread to distant lymph nodes, has invaded other structures in the chest (such as the heart or esophagus), or has a malignant pleural effusion (fluid build-up containing cancer cells between the layers lining the lungs).
T4 – The tumor is any size, but is located in the airway, or has invaded local structures such as the heart, or the esophagus. A tumor is also considered T4 if cancer cells are present in the space between the layers lining the lungs (malignant pleural effusion).
I spoke with her on the phone last night and she started coughing. I was immediately reminded of Laura and listening to her cough after being diagnosed, and subsequently watching her die. Mom will meet with her oncologist on Tuesday (I'm planning to be there too) to find out specific treatment options and what he recommends. Based on the online article, her life expectancy - with treatment - is about 13 months. Based on listening to my mom cough, listening to her describe what her x-rays looked like and everything else, I suspect 13 months is a long-shot. I know that probably sounds morbid, and I hope I'm wrong, but I do have really good gut instincts. I will do my best to halt my prognostications until after meeting with the doctor on Tuesday, though. Ugh. This blows.
While I know people can and have developed lung cancer without ever smoking - my mom has smoked for many years. Her lung cancer is a result of smoking. People, please quit smoking.
Oh, by the way, my divorce was finalized on Wednesday too. It's sad (because no one enters into a marriage hoping it will end), but it's something that has needed to be done for a long time. We split in 2007 - so it's been quite a while. We've remained kind and cordial to each other and suspect we will remain so.
So my mom called me tonight and told me that her lung biopsy came back positive for cancer. More tests have to be done before a form of treatment is decided upon, but it just fucking blows. I cared for my ex-mother-in-law when she was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was such a cruel and horrible death. No one should have do die like that - it's like a form a murder. Basically she drowned on her on her blood - watching it was horrible and painful.
This coming April 1st, I will celebrate my 10-year anniversary from quitting smoking. I'm glad I quit and I can feel the health benefits from doing so, but I do still miss it. It's so addicting and I found so many reasons not to quit, and also tried to quit many times, before actually doing so. I wish everyone I know would quit smoking. There's still no absolute that I, nor others I know, won't get lung cancer, but I do know my chances of getting it has been reduced tremendously. What I am glad for, is that by reducing my chances of getting lung cancer, I have lessened the burden on family members that would need to take care of me.
Anyway, I'm sure there'll be more to talk about on this.......
In the meantime, instead of buying that next pack of cigarettes, buy a pack of patches.
So.......one day I'll find love that'll want to be with me no matter where I am, nor what time it is. Until then, I'll be filling out 39 pages of fucking divorce papers (which, in my opinion is enough to keep someone married). Court date is set for the 25th, by the way.......
