Monday, April 27, 2015

Today

Today

I am freeing myself
I am freeing myself of the longing and the want
Of the thing you will never have

I am freeing myself of the time constraints
placed upon us by your desires to drink and smoke
and not share in the things I want to do

I am freeing myself of the vast amounts of time
I spend thinking of you, worring about you, wanting you
wanting you to want me, wanting you to want what I want

I am freeing myself of the imbalance, the inequity
Of wanting things done your way
Without thoughts of me, or Us
Of wanting shared experiences

Today I am freeing myself of the lives, the hope, the caves, the lakes and plentiful parks
That live and thrive in Austin
That I so wanted to be part of, but you did not want me to take part in

I am freeing myself of your family
Whom I love so much
This, by far, will be the most difficult part

Today was filled with sunshine, the smell of honesuckle trees and dancing
Today lives were given and taken
Today decisions were made

Today, I free myself of my addiction
You

And also Today, I free you
Of Me

Tomorrow, I will start to heal

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Drama is Exhausting

I've not written in a long time because there's been too much to write about I couldn't possibly keep up.  I'm feeling the need to write now because there's so much weight on my shoulders and each thing is very important, worth its own merit and yet I'm feeling so stressed, taken for granted, used and abused, and probably some self pity for good measure.  Now, where to start...

1.  I moved out of Mike's house because I was about to have a nervous breakdown.  I was seriously having panic attacks because I couldn't bear to be there.  Mike and I have have so many differences, not to mention he's my ex-husband for a reason, and who the hell moves back in with their ex-husband?  I was so depressed being in that house, away from my friends, my jobs, my life.  I didn't feel comfortable.  As soon as the kids went to bed, I ran to my room to hole myself up for the night and avoid any contact with Mike.  I was angry with him for so many things.  I was also grateful that he took in the kids - but it's not like something I had to beg him to do: He wanted the kids.  He wanted the kids to live with him, and raise them and provide him with the family he lost when we divorced.  I, however, was not part of that package and could no longer put up with things.  I feel like I did my part, got Emma to a point where she sleeps all night, is easy to care for and all you have to do is feed, change and play with her periodically and she's good to go.  Ellie, on the other hand, is a constant work in progress and Mike is not a big help when it comes to being tough and providing the structure he requires right now so he'll need less later.  Ellie has Mike wrapped around his finger - he's his puppet and at this point Ellie is a master puppeteer when it comes to Mike.  It's very frustrating to say the least and any efforts I make are pretty much futile.

I still watch the kids and go to Monroe when Mike goes out of town or teaches on Saturdays.  So I'm still involved in their lives and I contribute financially by paying for Emma's daycare, so I don't feel like I'm just dumping the kids on him.  I do feel like he tries to make excuses for me to come out there when it's unnecessary.  So I'm handling that problem by looking for a sitter.  Driving back and forth to Monroe once/twice per week is costly in gas and puts quite a bit of wear and tear on my car - none of which Mike really cares about.  Dealing with ex-husbands, especially ones you share custody of grandchildren with, is pretty damn stressful.

2.  I moved in with Jay.  That's been a whirlwind of surprises, adventures, experiences - you name it.  This is actually the second time we've tried living together - the first time only lasting about a week, but that's par for our relationship.  This time is requiring lots of changes and adjustments and it's quite odd and awkward and I don't know if we're each very happy with each other and the situation. I often think about how things were different when we were first dating and the things that aren't okay now were okay then - because everything was new and fun and not serious.  But now that we are sharing our everyday lives with each other, things are different and things are serious. There are positives and negatives and I don't know really which outweigh each other at this point.  This second time has only been a few weeks, so we lasted longer than before, but some major changes are taking place and it's creating a distance between us - causing us to communicate less and not really enjoy being together, like before.  I wish things were different and I do hope they get better.  We've always had this "crazy love" that goes from one extreme to the other, but we always reunite.  The kind of things we're going through now are tough and boring - like regular life, which is what I want.  I want to live a regular (sometimes boring) life with a person who gives me as much love as I give.  But the things going on right now are stressful and I hope time will make it better.  Jay does make efforts but I worry about stripping him of happiness.  That makes me sad, because that's the last thing I want to do.

3.  I'm working for one of my doctors that I used to manage years ago.  I got her right out of residency, so I feel like she's my baby and I've stuck with her over the years - helping her out here and there.  About three years ago, she came to me and wanted to start her own practice.  I told her I would help her get it up and running, but I under no certain terms wanted to stay on and manage her practice.  I worked in healthcare administration for many years and I got so burned out, I was about ready to go postal on some doctors.  So, I got her business up and running - business license, created the LLC, got her credentialed, got CLIA waivers for in-office testing and so forth.  Then I found a replacement for me and I left.  She then decided to expand her business and did not reach out to me about it - which is fine, since I'm not her keeper.  But two years later, because certain protocols and procedures weren't followed and pursued by the current practice administrator, the practice is in pretty bad shape.  Like, it's to the point of I don't know if it can be saved.  So, she reached out to me about two months ago and told me everything that was going on.  I've been working diligently to try and clean up some messes that are a priority and then try to help her decide if the practice is salvageable.  This is very stressful as well, and I honestly don't know if I can save it.

4.  Ebony is out of prison. He's still in California, in a half-way house.  I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he said he has to pay restitution ($200) and do some other whatever whatever with his parole officer to see if he can come to Georgia - which could take anywhere from six to nine months.  That, is not very stressful, thank goodness.  I don't see Ebony as a threat and don't see him trying to intervene in the kids' lives any time soon.

5.  I completed a visitation form to go see Shelby and it was denied because I marked NO to the question asking if I had ever been arrested.  I actually have been arrested - like when I was 21, part of a bar fight, and everything was dismissed.  I actually thought it was expunged from my record because it's never shown up before in any background check.  I also marked NO to juvenile arrest, but I was in juvenile because I was a little badass teenager and got put in there for being "unruly."  I think I spent two nights in there or something.  But I thought juvenile records didn't count and were sealed?????  So, anyway, the denial came with an invitation for me to reapply with the correct information about my "criminal record." HA.  I guess they felt that bar fight and my unruly teenage behavior would pose a risk for the Folsom Prison staff.  Anyway, I completed the form again with all of that information and hopefully they will approve me.  I'd like to visit Shelby in November, if possible.  That's stressful.

Anyway, I'll close for now.  These are just a few top issues of the day, every day.  There are plenty more, but they are all minor compared to these.  I still have to deal with them, but they're not as taxing as these.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to lead a peaceful life.  I honestly don't know if it's in the cards for me.  A few friends have told me that there are so many things I have to deal with in my life that are not a direct result of my behavior - which makes me feel better.  I try to determine which is which.  My life seems to have so many crises in it.  I wonder what I would do if there weren't any crises to handle.  Would I create a crisis, or am I capable of living a calm, peaceful life without all the drama?  Drama is exhausting.

To catch up on the latest with Ellie and Emma, just click on their Tumblr site. Here's a link, but it's also listed on the side of my blog under Kickass Links. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Short update

Well, they finally moved Shelby out of jail in LA and into the Central California Women's Facility.  I don't know if this is where she'll be serving the remainder of her sentence or if they'll move her again.  Based on the last phone conversation, it sounded like this might be a temporary spot for sorting people out and determining where they will go - based on their crimes and sentences and so forth.

Ebony was also moved.  We originally thought he'd be serving his time in the detention center but word has it that he was able to negotiate that he be moved to a prison instead of having to stay in the detention center - which is worse than prison.   I think Ebony was moved two weeks ago.  It looks like Shelby was moved yesterday.

They don't let them take much of their stuff with them when they transfer, so Shelby mailed me all of the photos I had sent her along with a few others, and asked that I send them back to her once she has a permanent address.  In the photos was one I hadn't seen.  It was a photo of her at the hospital, right after she had Emma.

She's looking a little rough, but at least somebody took this picture and she has a photo with her baby.

Another thing happened today.  The guardianship papers went through and the court granted us the legal guardians of the children.  This will allow many things to happen now (insurance for one) and it will also serve as protection in case Ebony and/or Shelby get out and want to just come snatch up the kids.  There will need to be a process they have to go through and reintegrate themselves back into their children's lives.  They need to prove themselves responsible adults - they work and can provide a stable household for their children and are up to no shenanigans.

So, that's where things are now.  I'm currently looking for an activity to get Ellie involved in - soccer or some sort of sports. He's a good runner, maybe something like track.  I'm also looking for something for Emma - like infant aquatics.  It'll be useful for us both.

That's about all for now.  I'm still trying to find a job and looking for a place to live in the city.  Mike and I will share custody of the kids, like a normal divorced couple with kids.  It's just not working out here.  The kids will be fine.

Everything will be okay.  Eventually.

Oh, by the way, check out the tool kit Sesame Street has for children with incarcerated parents:
http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/incarceration

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

He signed the papers

The notary met with Shelby and Ebony yesterday and they both signed the guardianship papers.  Mike will file them with the Walton County Court tomorrow.  Basically it gives us custody of both of the kids and neither of them can just come get them when released.  There will be a plan of transition - one that shows they are acting as responsible people and parents, working, secure and stable place to live and so forth.  It's a huge relief.  The worst thing that could happen is that the kids get put back into and exposed to the lifestyle they had prior to all of this.

I spoke to Shelby tonight.  She feels relieved that Ebony signed the papers as well.  Ebony called me yesterday, after the notary had left the jail, and had all kinds of questions and still had somewhat of a tone like "I don't want y'all stealing my kids."  I'm pretty sure I raised my voice to him and just unloaded pretty much everything I wrote in my last blog, Dear Shelby.  I think that provided him with some relief.

Mike and I got into it a little bit today.  He now too knows exactly how I feel about everything - and how unhappy I am living here.  He seems to have had a memory lapse and doesn't remember all of the conversations prior to today's.  He was somewhat conciliatory, and said he will eventually help me find another place to live.  While I'm unhappy, I wouldn't do anything to cause great stress on Ellie's or Emma's life.  I will eventually find another place to live - preferably a two-bedroom that will allow me to take the kids at times and Mike to take the kids - kinda like a divorced couple with kids.  This would be their primary residence though.  I'm good with that, because they have awesome rooms I designed. ;)  Mike is learning the ins and outs of parenting too.  I still see myself as probably taking more of the lead in Emma's care than Ellie's, but as she gets older, he'll feel more confident in handling her.


Friday, January 3, 2014

Dear Shelby

I'm really mad at you right now.  I've not said it out right until now, but right now, I just really hate every decision you've made, how your actions have changed so many lives and how selfish you still behave.

I hate my life right now.  I closed on my condo last week.  I got a check for $3,000 - more than what I was thinking I was going to get so I was thinking about taking a short getwaway or something - something to clear my head and hopefully get me motivated to this new life I've somewhat agreed to living.  But no, it didn't work out that way.  Instead, I'm having to use the money to pay for a well to be repaired in my ex-husband's house, so we can have some sort of water pressure.  It's already odd enough that I hate living in a house that is no longer mine - nor will I ever consider it to be mine again; living with a man upstairs I was once married to, but for many reasons did not work out - and he has not changed a single bit, and in lots of cases has just become more and more self-involved (even to the point of not properly caring the upkeep on his own residence - which has now become my problem); the weirdness of being together in situations with him - all of that - it's not even like we're friends - we're not.  It's so fucking uncomfortable.  I hate it.  I hate that I hate it and I hate that I can't just accept it and "try to make the best of it" as people have told me.  I wish I could've just taken that money and paid six months rent on a little one-bedroom apartment in midtown and waited for Ebony to get out jail and come get the kids, because that's probably what's gonna end up happening anyway. 

I hate living here.  I hate not having a home.  I hate that you did what you did.  I hate that I feel the way I do.  Just know that you're not the only one who feels like she's in prison.

Love,
Mom

PS
By the way, this is probably the best life your children have ever known and you, nor Ebony, will ever know, or truly appreciate that - and that makes me mad too.