Sunday, January 8, 2012
Paperwork!
So.......one day I'll find love that'll want to be with me no matter where I am, nor what time it is. Until then, I'll be filling out 39 pages of fucking divorce papers (which, in my opinion is enough to keep someone married). Court date is set for the 25th, by the way.......
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Cha, Cha, Cha, Changes..........
So many different things going on in my life......sometimes it's hard to keep up. Here are two:
Physical
Peri-menopause - basically turning crazy (err, crazier - especially at times when it's completely inconvenient). So, for about a year now, I've been experiencing peri-menopausal sysmptoms: mood swings, weight gain, night sweats, insomnia, depression, anxiety, foggy brain (more than regular) and short-term memory loss. It's been a real blast for me and everyone involved with me (that's sarcasm). There have been two really bad instances when all of the symptoms happen at once - about six or seven months ago and then also for about the last two weeks. It totally blows. All of this is about five years earlier than the average, but nonetheless, it's happening. I found a blog the other day (http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com/) that's helped me believe I'm not completely crazy, but it's still very difficult to deal with - especially since I'm pretty much a control freak and I can't control anything that's happening inside me.
Emotional
Divorce - even though we've been separated since 2007, my divorce is being finalized. We've been very nice to each other during the entire separation and it's something that needs to be done (and should've been done awhile back), it's finally coming to fruition. It's not a fun process and with the hormonal thing going on, it's not been something I've been dealing with very well. I need to decide if I'm keeping his name (Martinez), or if I wanna change my last name - like to my maiden or birth name. I do know that since I've changed my last name (from Carter to Martinez) it's been harder to get job interviews. I guess potential employers think I might not be able to speak very good English and just move onto the next candidate.
I do have some amazing friends that have been there for me and try to help me with both of these. When I think about my life compared to others who are suffering, I know I'm really lucky and my problems pale in comparison.
I've got some funny stories I'd like to document and think everyone would find them funny, but I need either less or more wine to write them all out. Tonight, I just wanted to get something down as a start. I've written many blogs in my head, but getting them from there to here is a struggle I don't wanna take the time to make sometimes. I think they're worth writing and reading though - so I'll eventually get them out.
Until that time: Cheers!
Physical
Peri-menopause - basically turning crazy (err, crazier - especially at times when it's completely inconvenient). So, for about a year now, I've been experiencing peri-menopausal sysmptoms: mood swings, weight gain, night sweats, insomnia, depression, anxiety, foggy brain (more than regular) and short-term memory loss. It's been a real blast for me and everyone involved with me (that's sarcasm). There have been two really bad instances when all of the symptoms happen at once - about six or seven months ago and then also for about the last two weeks. It totally blows. All of this is about five years earlier than the average, but nonetheless, it's happening. I found a blog the other day (http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com/) that's helped me believe I'm not completely crazy, but it's still very difficult to deal with - especially since I'm pretty much a control freak and I can't control anything that's happening inside me.
Emotional
Divorce - even though we've been separated since 2007, my divorce is being finalized. We've been very nice to each other during the entire separation and it's something that needs to be done (and should've been done awhile back), it's finally coming to fruition. It's not a fun process and with the hormonal thing going on, it's not been something I've been dealing with very well. I need to decide if I'm keeping his name (Martinez), or if I wanna change my last name - like to my maiden or birth name. I do know that since I've changed my last name (from Carter to Martinez) it's been harder to get job interviews. I guess potential employers think I might not be able to speak very good English and just move onto the next candidate.
I do have some amazing friends that have been there for me and try to help me with both of these. When I think about my life compared to others who are suffering, I know I'm really lucky and my problems pale in comparison.
I've got some funny stories I'd like to document and think everyone would find them funny, but I need either less or more wine to write them all out. Tonight, I just wanted to get something down as a start. I've written many blogs in my head, but getting them from there to here is a struggle I don't wanna take the time to make sometimes. I think they're worth writing and reading though - so I'll eventually get them out.
Until that time: Cheers!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Just some random daily thoughts
I should probably get a real job, but I don't wanna. I honestly dunno if I could show up to a job at a certain time each morning - okay I know I couldn't (because I was always late, no matter where I worked). Now it just seems like it would be even more impossible. I'd so get fired from a nine-to-fiver. Plus, there's the whole "problem with my mouth thing" - can't seem to keep that damn thing shut for anything.
In the past year I lost 15 pounds but gained back five, so that's really only a loss of 10 pounds. (raised eyebrow unhappy, unimpressed smirk)
I have way too many clothes. Most of them are in really good condition but I'll never wear them (or they're now too big bc of the ginormous 10 pound weight loss), so I wanna get rid of them. I don't wanna give them away though - because I totally think somebody would buy them, at a consignment shop or eBay or something but I'm too fucking lazy to make all that shit happen. So, they just sit in my closet taking up space. I'll split the money with whomever takes them and sells them for me.
So, I have this friend, Ted, who lives in Birmingham who HATES it when I drop the "g" in my words - like sayin' or wantin'. I still do it but think of him every time I do. It makes me smile inside a little.
I'd really like to lose all of the fucking cellulite on my legs but apparently not enough to actually do the work it takes to make that happen. So, that pisses me off.
I probably don't watch enough TV to justify paying for cable but I do it anyway - mainly only for AMC (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc..). I should just get cable when those shows air but that would mean I'd have to call someone on the phone and order cable and then call and cancel it and then it's just a never-ending-fucking-cycle. It's just easier to pay for the shit.
I've started not putting my clothes away after I wash them. Seriously, what's up with that shit?! I'll fold them, then just put them on the chest or something and then ruffle through those to get dressed. WTF?!
Apparently I think moving something (like a glass or tissue) from the end table to the kitchen counter is productive, because it's one step closer to being in its home (like the dishwasher or trash).
I spend entirely too much time on Facebook and Twitter and checking my email. Really, what is it that I think is gonna (thinking of Ted) happen?! I look at that shit like it's seriously gonna (Ted) tell me when the Rapture is coming. Oh wait..... Okay, that was lame, but seriously - spend entirely too much time on there.
And, speaking of Facebook, I've been really upset with the Facebook iPhone app lately. It takes like a whole minute to load and crap! WTF?! Geez, I got other social media to check, ya know?!
I wonder if I'll ever be easy to deal with.
I'd like a refund (or just continue to forever defer my student-loan payments) because I don't feel like they've been put to good use and I think I'm getting kinda stupid. I think it should work in the opposite direction.
I'm probably too needy of others. I wish that weren't the case. Maybe it's because of the "raised as an only-child thing," but I think it's probably just because I'm fucked up in some way.
Wonder how many of my friends will read this. My blogs used to be personal, like this one, but then I tried to be professional and blog about the movie industry, since I was jumping careers. Going from personal to professional writing hurt me I think - expressively. I became so much more conscious of every word I wrote or who might read my writing. It really restricted my self expression. I remember being asked by a friend (while still writing in a personal manner) if I felt vulnerable, or like I was really putting myself out there - like someone could use it against me. Honestly I didn't - it was pretty liberating. Writing professionally restricted my creativity and expression. From now on, I'm just gonna write however I want.
I think two spaces after a period looks like a lot of wasted space. If you can't deal with all of the other grammatical problems and syntax, sorry - you'll eventually be able to.
Oh, and I wish someone would give me some WD-40 for my patio door because I can never remember to get it - even though I have to fight with my door lock every-fricken-day.
In the past year I lost 15 pounds but gained back five, so that's really only a loss of 10 pounds. (raised eyebrow unhappy, unimpressed smirk)
I have way too many clothes. Most of them are in really good condition but I'll never wear them (or they're now too big bc of the ginormous 10 pound weight loss), so I wanna get rid of them. I don't wanna give them away though - because I totally think somebody would buy them, at a consignment shop or eBay or something but I'm too fucking lazy to make all that shit happen. So, they just sit in my closet taking up space. I'll split the money with whomever takes them and sells them for me.
So, I have this friend, Ted, who lives in Birmingham who HATES it when I drop the "g" in my words - like sayin' or wantin'. I still do it but think of him every time I do. It makes me smile inside a little.
I'd really like to lose all of the fucking cellulite on my legs but apparently not enough to actually do the work it takes to make that happen. So, that pisses me off.
I probably don't watch enough TV to justify paying for cable but I do it anyway - mainly only for AMC (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc..). I should just get cable when those shows air but that would mean I'd have to call someone on the phone and order cable and then call and cancel it and then it's just a never-ending-fucking-cycle. It's just easier to pay for the shit.
I've started not putting my clothes away after I wash them. Seriously, what's up with that shit?! I'll fold them, then just put them on the chest or something and then ruffle through those to get dressed. WTF?!
Apparently I think moving something (like a glass or tissue) from the end table to the kitchen counter is productive, because it's one step closer to being in its home (like the dishwasher or trash).
I spend entirely too much time on Facebook and Twitter and checking my email. Really, what is it that I think is gonna (thinking of Ted) happen?! I look at that shit like it's seriously gonna (Ted) tell me when the Rapture is coming. Oh wait..... Okay, that was lame, but seriously - spend entirely too much time on there.
And, speaking of Facebook, I've been really upset with the Facebook iPhone app lately. It takes like a whole minute to load and crap! WTF?! Geez, I got other social media to check, ya know?!
I wonder if I'll ever be easy to deal with.
I'd like a refund (or just continue to forever defer my student-loan payments) because I don't feel like they've been put to good use and I think I'm getting kinda stupid. I think it should work in the opposite direction.
I'm probably too needy of others. I wish that weren't the case. Maybe it's because of the "raised as an only-child thing," but I think it's probably just because I'm fucked up in some way.
Wonder how many of my friends will read this. My blogs used to be personal, like this one, but then I tried to be professional and blog about the movie industry, since I was jumping careers. Going from personal to professional writing hurt me I think - expressively. I became so much more conscious of every word I wrote or who might read my writing. It really restricted my self expression. I remember being asked by a friend (while still writing in a personal manner) if I felt vulnerable, or like I was really putting myself out there - like someone could use it against me. Honestly I didn't - it was pretty liberating. Writing professionally restricted my creativity and expression. From now on, I'm just gonna write however I want.
I think two spaces after a period looks like a lot of wasted space. If you can't deal with all of the other grammatical problems and syntax, sorry - you'll eventually be able to.
Oh, and I wish someone would give me some WD-40 for my patio door because I can never remember to get it - even though I have to fight with my door lock every-fricken-day.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Happiness
Sometimes I worry that my search for happiness overshadows truly happy moments in my life. I think one of my biggest fears is getting old and looking back on my life and realizing that I actually had a really good life and every reason to be happy but chose not to be, or convinced myself that I wasn't.
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