Today totally blew!

Today has been one of those days where everything seems to go wrong and I end up going a bit crazy because I don't seem to be getting enough oxygen to my brain. Seriously.

I don't know how I'm ever gonna be able to sit back and enjoy life when I keep thinking things should be one way and they're not. I know this sounds absurd and is probably an indication I should be locked in the looney bin, but nonetheless, it's real. Now, note the difference here, I do know there are things I cannot control - that's not my problem. My problem is still wanting them and/or outcomes to be different - this is where the insanity comes into play. So, basically, I cognitively know what my problem is and my limitations but I still get mad anyway. WTF?!

I think the office I work in is contributing to my insanity. First of all, we have no windows to look out of - we're basically dropped into the middle of an art gallery. Now, I like the gallery and the space itself, but it's just not a healthy and pleasant working environment. The gallery changes exhibits every few months and each time they have to do major construction (moving walls, hanging things, etc) and since we're placed in the middle of the gallery, we hear every bit of it, like it's right next door....oh, wait, it is next door. Clients on the phone can hear it too - it's very frustrating. But, a new exhibit is in place and we should be construction free for several more weeks.

Secondly, being a nonprofit totally sucks sometimes. Like most nonprofits, we're always looking for much needed resources (human and fiscal). Our computers are old and we have to piece things together and then things break. It's so inefficient to try and work on old technology. You'd think that with us being a media arts organization, we'd have new technology - Au Contraire, Mon Frere! Today was one of those maddening technology days.

So, tonight I'm gonna try something new - belly dancing. I joined a meetup group and tonight is belly dancing for women. It's only $6 - so I thought I'd give it a shot. I've always liked watching belly dancers and wished I could do it - which IS something in my control. It starts at 7:15pm so I better get scootin'.

Later y'all.

Out Here, On My Own

I saw the movie FAME tonight. Growing up, I used to love the TV show so much. I seriously wanted to grow up and be a dancer on Fame. I did dance in junior high and high school - on the drill team, but (obviously) the Fame thing didn't work out. Anyway, there is a song in the movie that I feel I still relate to. Part of it is performed in the video below.



Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own

We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears I've never shown
out here on my own

But when I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

Sometimes, when I reflect on my life, it's so hard to believe everything that I've lived through. Seriously, I feel I have lived an entire life in half the time. I often feel alone and it's very difficult to get through those moments - especially recently. Trying to find my place in the world again is an ongoing struggle. I often feel like I've been searching for something my whole life and I wonder if I will ever find it. This constant state of searching is often confused with ambition - which I also possess - and trying to separate one from the other is difficult - for me and others. Nonetheless, I keep getting up every morning and keep hoping that one day, I will find what I'm looking for and will be able to hold onto that moment forever.

Not trying to drone on in my self pity and despair, but I do want to share another song with which I identify. It's "What's Up Lonely," by Kelly Clarkson.



The lyrics:
Blue- I'm getting kinda close to you
Like a shadow I can't lose
Hey, you've been hanging with me everyday
Now you're getting in my way

I know you understand me
But don't you think that maybe
It's time to move on

What's Up Lonely
Seems you're my only
friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take for you to leave me alone today
Just when I think that you're gone
You're in the mirror looking back at me
So what's up lonely...

Sometimes
I wish you weren't by my side
Can't you find another shoulder, cause I
I wanna leave this broken heart behind
We're both wasting too much time

Find someone else to rain on
I'm really getting tired of singin' this sad song

What's Up Lonely
Seems you're my only
friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take for you to leave me alone today
Just when I think that you're gone
You're in the mirror looking back at me
So what's up lonely

Don't wanna give you a reason
to hang around anymore
You won't be hurting my feelings if you find another broken heart you can lean on

Gotta go, gotta move on
Gotta go, gotta move on
Just leave me alone

What's Up Lonely
Seems you're my only
friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take for you to leave me alone today
Just when I think that you're gone
You're in the mirror looking back at me
So what's up lonely

Gotta go, gotta move on
Gotta go, gotta move on

What's Up Lonely
Seems you're my only
friend who wants to share my pain
Tell me heartache
What's it gonna take
What's up lonely...


Hopefully sometime in the near future I will be passed this point and the loneliness and heartache will subside. It's technically been two years since Mike and I have lived together. I think I want to start dating: I miss the companionship.

Anger Management

I think I need some sort of anger management classes - although, because I'm super stubborn I'd probably be a horrible student. I know I'd get mad that somebody was telling me how to do something (even though I voluntarily signed up). Not that I can't take direction, I can, sometimes, but the older I get the more difficult it becomes for me to listen to those who haven't been through the crap I have tell me to take deep breaths or count to ten, or whatever. I know that's kind of crazy......but, nonetheless, it's my current behavior. So, I'm probably my own worst enemy right now because I know if I take classes or something, I'm gonna end up getting mad at the instructor and specifically not do what s/he recommends because I don't want anyone telling me what to do.

The thing is, I'm tired of being mad all the time. I want to laugh and smile and play.

Ugh!

If people would just stop pissing me off, I'd be happy. ;) (just kidding)

This December

So, I'm trying to figure out what to do for the holidays this December. The reason it's kind of a big deal is two fold: 1) I will have turned 40 on the 5th of the month and will probably still be crying like a baby, and 2) since Mike and I are getting a divorce, I don't think we should be spending it together.

In April, I bought a one-bedroom condo in midtown Atlanta so it's not like I have tons of space to invite friends and family over. I'm somewhat removed from my immediate family for various reasons, some of which are covered in earlier entries in this blog. So, I've been thinking about alternative ways to spend the holidays. Hmmmm.......

I don't have a lot of money and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. So, that's something I've been thinking about lately.

Just putting this out there......

"This short series of interviews shows unfounded lawsuits from a politicized justice department destroying the careers and lives of state-level Democrats. Was it Karl Rove's plan to undermine the Democratic Party by attacking its support at a local level, away from national scrutiny?"

Part I


Part II


Part III


Thoughts?